One check away...

Have you ever heard the saying "One pay check away from homelessness"? These past couple years in America have been very hard on everyone. This is the first time since the depression that so many people have been out of work and struggling. Ive been feeling this just as much as anyone else. Even though I have a full time job, I'm barely living pay check to pay check. Its not even like I have unnecessary bills either, but the same bills that were manageable are now over-whelming. Friends just say I need to budget my money, but how do you budget something that doesn't exist? Getting a pay raise is nearly impossible and when you work full time, getting some type of government assistance is out of the question. So what do you do? Its enough to make anyone just give up trying. Just when I think I see a little relief coming. Just when I think everything is about to be ok, I get stomach punched, my car breaks down or other unexpected charges come from no where. I try to stay positive and just believe this is all temporary, but hope only takes you so far. I am apart of a new group of people referred to as "The Working Poor". People who have jobs, but still can barely afford to survive. People have gone from deciding whether to buy satellite or cable to deciding whether to eat this week or put gas in the car. On top of all this, bill collectors are becoming more and more persistent. Not only do they call your cell 50 times a day, but they now call your work number, your family, your friends, your 7th grade math teacher. These people do not know how to take NO as an answer. You tell them you don't even know how you're gonna pay your rent this money and they still badger you over $150 from an old cell phone bill you owe. So now that the holidays are over, businesses should begin hiring again. Quiting just isnt apart of me so time to come up with a plan. All I can do is try my best and make each day count. If it comes down to it, ill change my name to Caramel Thunder and get hired at a strip club... LOL. J/K.   

For The Love of Jesus.

According to the constitution, Freedom of religion is a principle that supports the freedom of an individual or community, in public or private, to manifest religion or belief in teaching, practice, worship, and observance; the concept is generally recognized also to include the freedom to change religion or not to follow any religion. So my question is, when did freedom of religion turn into freedom of Christianity? When did Christians get to the point where they support someones freedom to express their beliefs as long as the belief they're expressing is the Christian belief? I'm not saying all Christians are like this or that they are the only religion that does this, but in my experience that's who I get it from the most. As a non-believer I have an outside view of religion. One of the biggest things I notice about Christians is the fact that they won't even acknowledge any religion other than their own. They have no knowledge of what other religions believe or worship. When I tell people I'm Agnostic, I usually get 1 of 2 responses. They either respond "So you worship the devil?" or they say "Is that like pentecostal?" I've seen and heard Christians mock other religions as stupid or crazy for the things they worship or their religious practices. If someone says anything to them that goes against what they believe, they completely shut down and don't want to hear any of it. Ive gotten to the point where I don't even like to bring up religion because instead of becoming an adult conversation were two people discuss they're views on a topic. It becomes them preaching at me and trying to save my immortal soul because that's the "Christianly" thing to do. What they don't understand is if they would actually read the book that they are so quick to throw in peoples faces. They would see that the Jesus they worship only preached love and acceptance. He never pushed upon anyone, he didn't use scare tactics to get people to follow him, he just loved everyone. These days, it has become very evident that there is a big difference between being Christ like and being Christian. They have become so quick to look down they're noses at anything they deem to be un-christianly. So where did this Christian arrogance come from? When the pilgrims fled Europe and established the first American colonies, it was to escape religious persecution. It was so they could have the freedom to worship god in the way they believed to be correct. So in-between then and now, when this nation become the very thing it was trying to escape from? It goes without saying that the USA is a christian nation. Just turn on the TV during an election. The politician that wins is the one that proves he's a bigger Christian. Not the one that's fighting to have prayer removed from schools because not everyone prays or the one that supports a mosque being built in every neighborhood in an effort to support diversity. Its the blue blooded, bible thumping, "god fearing" (which I've never understood why being afraid of god is a good thing) christian. According to a recent survey done, only 51.3% of Americans identify as Protestant, 23.9% identify as Catholic, the 3rd largest religious group.... Non-believers at 16.1%. So why are we all being so polite to the majority when we cant even get the same courtesy? A random person could walk thru walmart wearing a t-shirt that says "Real men love Jesus" and no one would give him a second thought except maybe to compliment him. But if that same person were wearing a shirt that read "There is no god!" they probably be met with alot of good ol' down home christian hate... and depending on which state they're in wouldn't make it out the parking lot alive. Can these people really think they're beliefs are better than everyone elses? When you say things like "I don't hate you, god hates you!" or "The lord is the only one who can pass judgement, but you're gonna burn in hell for your sins." When you gossip behind your neighbors back while in church. When you think going to church 7 days out the week will make up for the fact that you beat your wife and kids. When you make members of your own church feel uncomfortable to simply just be themselves. How could you possibly think you're setting a good example of what the love of god is? Even if they are right and in the end god is real and Christianity turns out to be the best way. I'm pretty sure a big chunk of that 51.3% wont be getting thru the pearly gates.

Fortune

Maybe about 7 years ago, I went to your average Chinese buffet to eat. My favorite part of going to Chinese buffets isn't just the all you can eat cause I'm a fat ass, but it's getting the fortune cookie at the end. Well, on this particular time, I got my fortune cookie and the fortune simply stated "Admire those who succeed and learn from their success." I loved this fortune so much that I kept it and I still have it in my wallet to this day. It took me a couple years for this message to really hit me, but it finally did. Back then the people I mostly associated with were a group of good people, but they really had no direction. To them life was about hanging out, the club, and men... that's about it. And it was fun at the time, but I had to realize that people are like goldfish. If you keep the goldfish in a small bowl it will stay small, but if you put a goldfish in a bigger tank it will grow. My friends lived in a small tank and I was allowing them to keep me there. Eventually I made the decision that I wanted to grow. I wanted more out of life and I needed to associate myself with like minded people. If I wanted to become more I needed to leave the small tank and swim with bigger fish in the bigger bowl. So I did. When my friends found out I was trying to grow as a person, they tried to cut me down and bring me back to their tank. So I had to stop associating with people who would rather see me stay small instead of encourage me. It might be a hard thing to do, but true friends with push you up to the next level instead of drag you back down with them. This realization not only went for friends, but also for the type of guys I dated. I got tired of dating guys that didn't have anything going for themselves. Not to mean I'm a gold digger or anything because I can take care of myself. I don't need a man with lots of money, an expansive car, or a big house. I need a man with drive, ambition, and potential. He has to want something from life and has to want more for himself. I have alot in life that I want to accomplish and I need someone that can be right there next to me on the journey. Not someone thats just along for the ride. When i make the decision to open my restaurant, he needs to be doing his thing too so we can both be living up to our fullest potential. So now I have matured and started expecting more from myself. I'm still the same person and will hang out with anyone, but the people I now closely associate with are on a more defined lifepath. They're actually trying to do something with their lives and they inspire me to do the same. I now have a better job and im in school working toward starting a career. I also have become more active in my community and more aware of current events that effect me personally. Im now doing things like voting that the old me thought was a waste of time. Admire those who succeed and learn from their success.

Dead or Alive

One of the movie genres that has been around for the longest is the zombie movie and ive always been a fan. They may change the cause of the zombie infestation, but the main story stays pretty much the same. Zombies start attacking the world, random group of individuals ban together to stay alive, most die, but a few make it out alive. The only difference is back in the day, the zombies were slower. It use to be that zombies were slow and dumb. The only thing they had in their favor was their numbers. If you were stupid enough to get trapped by a group of zombies, you were a goner. These new breed of zombies however are faster, smarter, and some even use weapons against you. Watching these movies, I've always wondered were this to happen in real life, would I survive? And I believe I would. First I'd head to some sporting store to load up on as many weapons as I can carry. Second, I'd stop at walmart knock off any zombies that get in my way and stock up on can goods, tools, first-aid, etc. Last, I'd find a secure location, take out any zombies lurking in the area and hold up until rescue comes. There is only one drawback to this plan... any individuals who come along wanting help. You always see it in zombie movies. Someone is doing just fine by themselves until they get that knock on the door "HELP ME PLEASE!!!!" This is where the persons conscience kicks in and they end up helping whoever is outside. Before you know it, the zombies surround the place, break in, and your dead all because you wanted to be a hero. So, what do I do? Do I help this person in need and risk possibly losing my own life or do I say "every man for himself" and let them suffer? This situation brings up a better question. How important is your own life compared to a total strangers? We dont see it too often, but it does happen. Someone will be in danger and a complete stranger will risk their life to save them. Its very touching and reminds us all that were not so different and anyone can be a hero. But, if the world turns into a struggle of humans against zombies, how "human" are you if you turn your back on someone in need? If I were in a fight for my life against the undead, I'd prefer to have someone there to watch my back also for company. It wouldn't take long being alone before I turned into Tom Hanks in the movie Castaway and start having conversations with volleyballs. At the same time, I wouldn't want to risk my life because of someone elses stupidity. The more people you have grouped together, sooner or later someone gets stupid and puts everyones life at risk. At the first sighting of this person I'd put the safety of the greater good in front of him and put a bullet in his head. I know that sounds cruel, but if it came down to you dying or someone else dying... Which would you choose?

Grey area

The other day I listened to a mothers story on the radio. She talked about how her 4yr old daughter's teacher contacted her and stated that she felt the little girl didn't speak "cultured" enough. In other words, she talks "white" and needs to talk more "black". What does it mean to talk "black"? This is something that I've experienced as long as I can remember. I've always been the one picked on and made fun of by the other black kids because I made good grades and wanted to speak like I had some kind of intelligence to myself. As a result, I didn't really get along with many black kids until i got to high school. So where did this mind set come from within the black community? Since when does wanting to better yourself and advance in life mean that you're acting more white and less black? Why is it the black community embraces the thought that they are less intelligent than the white community? These are all questions that I have yet to come up with an answer to. I have a couple of coworkers that make fun of me because I'm not your stereotypical black male. I guess a good question to ask is, does the way you speak measure your intelligence?  The answer is no, but society does measure your intelligence by your vocabulary. You could be a genius, but if you speak Ebonics then people will look at you like you're just another average hood ni$&@. So if this is the way society measures you. Do you conform to society and speak "white" in order to get ahead in life? Or do you go against the preconceived norm and try to prove to everyone that your vocabulary and mental capacity don't determine how far you can go? You would think this type of thinking would have gone out of style by now, but sadly it's still in fashion. I really don't even know what else to say on this subject so please just let me know your thoughts on the subject.

What do you want?

Yesterday I watched a movie "The Women", with a star-studded cast. The main character played by Meg Ryan discovers that her husband is having an affair. After receiving all kinds of advice and trying to avoid the situation as much as possible, she ultimately decides to divorce him. While going thru her divorce she hits rock bottom loosing all connection with her friends, her daughter, and herself. She ends up running away to some counseling nature camp for help and meets a character played by Bette Midler (FYI: I love her). After Meg talks to her about how all shes ever wanted was to make everyone else happy ,Bette askes her the question... "What do you want? What makes you happy?". That one question becomes an awakening for Meg and she begins to become "selfish" and goes after her own hopes and dreams dispute what others thought about it. Applying that same question to my life, I ask myself "what do I want?". I feel like I'm going after my dreams, but sometimes I wonder what if. I look at the lives of my high school classmates and I feel like I'm falling behind. Some of them are married, some have kids, some a college degree, a career, a house. Then I look at me. I'm 27, I live in an apartment, going to school part time, and working at a decent job just to get by. I know everyone in life has their own path to go down, but sometimes you just wonder how things would have been different. If I had gone to college right from high school. If I had taken my future more into consideration instead of letting my present distract me. Maybe that would have been total disaster for me. You know what they say... Everything aint for everybody. I feel like i needed to do a little living before I committed to a plan and I did. I did alot of living, alot of learning, and alot of growing. With that I feel like I'm more mature in ways than other people my age. On the flip side of it, I'm sure those same classmates wonder the same thing. If they had moved away from our small town instead of staying how would things be different. I don't regret anything I've ever done. I take every situation in life as a learning experience. I'm so grateful to be able to go to school now and I'm not stopping there. I want to become a kindergarten teacher. I want to open my own restaurant. I want to travel the world and see places I've only ever seen on tv. I want to experience life to the fullest. I have so many thing I want to accomplish in life and even if I'm not there yet, I know I'm on the right path.  I have a long life ahead of me and I plan on making the most of it. So when I'm old and grey I can look back on the things I've accomplished and wont have any regrets. I don't wanna say "I wish I did that when I had the chance" I want to be able to leave my children and grand children with someone they look up to and are proud of. So go ahead and ask yourself: "What do I want?"

Daddy who?

My father has never been apart of my life. Ive met him a couple times, but thats about it. Not just him, but that entire side of my family has never really had anything to do with me. No birthday cards, no invitations to family reunions, nothing. I can remember running into my aunts or my grandma from time to time in the grocery store. They would speak, ask how i was doing, and then give me $20. I guess it was guilt money for never being in my life. I have a couple cousins my age on that side and all thru out grade school people never even knew we were related because we never interacted at all. I have nothing against any of these people. As a matter of fact, I feel nothing for them. Its like that part of me is just non-existent. Were related in name only. One person I really did care for though was my great grandmother. I would walk to her house from time to time and just sit with her and talk. I really felt that she cared for me. I miss her to this day and wish I had spent more time with her so id have more memories of her. Despite the common belief that people in my situation grow up to have "daddy" issues, (Anytime I tell people I dont have a dad, they give me this sad "I feel so sorry for you" look) I think I grew up very well. My mothers family loved me unconditionally and they gave me everything I ever needed physically and emotionally. Sometimes I do wonder though what it would have been like to know that other side of me. I have all these aunts, uncles, cousins, maybe even brothers or sisters out there that I know absolutely nothing about. It would be nice to have a connection with these people. To have shared memories of growing up together. Celebrating birthdays, holidays, family get-togethers, and so on. At 27, its a little too late to try and bridge the gap between us. They've always known how to get in contact with me. Im even facebook friends with a few of them and still to this day, besides the occasional "Hey, how are you?" message, there has never been any form of reaching out. I guess what id really like to know is why. Why have they never treated me as apart of the family? Is it because for some reason they dont like my mom? She did have me when she was 18 and as far as I know, im his only child. So maybe they disapproved of him getting a girl pregnant at a young age. Maybe even some event happened before my birth that caused all this? I dont know.  

Fool in Love

Tina Turner said it best: "You're just a fool, you know you're in love... Sometimes you're happy and sometimes you're sad. You know you love him, you can't understand. Why he treats you like he do when he's such a good man". They say love makes a fool out of everyone, but it seems that some are more of a fool for love than others. I know a few people who are just dumb as hell behind some guy/ girl. And it never fails, the person their dumb over is never worth anything. Its always some guy who doesnt have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of, cant keep a job, cheats, and beats them. Or its some girl who uses her kids as a meal ticket, isnt looking for a job cause her baby daddy and welfare are taking care of her. So, no matter how much you protest this union, the person is just head over heels for this nothing. It like some kind of mind control or something. Everytime you think their about to snap to their senses, they that another sip of the poison kool-aid and fall right back down the rabbit hole. I believe all of this stems from a lack of self love. This person just doesnt love themselves enough to want better, so they take what they can get. Even if that means turning your back on your friends and family and making the nothing your entire world. Ive kinda been there myself. In my first relationship, i let my ex drag me down, but I got out before it was too late and I ended up covered in shit. I just wonder when will these people wake up and realize that "I love you!" doesnt make up for all the fighting, all the abuse, all the heartache. That when the nothing says "I love you!" what they're really saying is "I need you because your the best thing thats ever happened to me. Your too good for me and I know that if I stop playing mind games with you, then you'll realize you can do so much better  and leave my sorry behind." You cant force these people to see the truth, trust me ive tried, you just end up being accused of trying to start drama in their "perfect" relationship. Even though they come to you damn near everyday with all of their problems. I suggest these people watch "Whats Love Got To Do With It" over and over until they get the picture.... "Aww... Go to hell Ike!"

Fire & Desire

The straight male... Sometimes he's sophisticated in a Armani suit and tie, sometimes he's thuggish in a muscle shirt and timberland boots or any where in-between. What is it about this man that is so damn attractive? Me being a gay male, of course I'm attracted to other males but it's more than just that. Id never date one or be some married mans boytoy on the side. Since the age of 16, I've been comfortable with my sexuality and that's a characteristic I look for in a potential mate. I'm not comfortable with pretending to be friends in public and im damn sure not gonna be your roommate around your family. Still in all, there is something so seductive about a straight man. Maybe it's the forbidden fruit thing. I know I can't have it so that makes me want it even more. I'm Adam in the garden of Eden and he is a ripe, juicy, red apple just teasing me to take a bite. For example: I've never been a fan of sagging but when I see the guys walking around with their plump asses hanging out I can't help but to stare (If you couldn't tell I'm an ass man... Lol). Especially when they wear basketball short or sweat pants and loose to no underwear leaving absolutely nothing to the imagination. Im like a dog in heat. Do they do this on purpose to tease us gay men or are they unaware of the attention they're attracting. My ex was a weed smoker and alot of the guys he would smoke with were straight. So the guys would come over, smoke a couple blunts, and sometimes pass out on the couch. As they would lay there, unaware of the unholy thoughts running thru my imagination, with his legs gapped open, one hand down the front of his blue Jean shorts holding their meat, the other hand resting behind their head. I couldn't help but feel like a hungry great white shark about to dine on an unsuspecting seal. Maybe it's their hyper masculinity that draws me in. Maybe it's the fact that I'm attracted to masculine bottoms (which are kinda hard to find here in Dallas). I'm not sure exactly what about this man that has my attention so, but I'm definitely willing to investigate further.

Somebody to love

I've always been a relationship person. A hopeless romantic. Wine and dine, picnic under the stars, the whole nine yards. I love having someone there. Someone to come home to and tell them how my day went. It's to the point where I don't know how to be single. Not to where I'm always dating someone, but to where I don't know how to do things by myself and have fun. Tonight I went to the club with some friends (Im not a club person at all) and all I saw were couples. Or atleast I thought they were couples, it's hard to tell who's with who when it comes to gay people. Looking at all these people dancing, kissing, holding hands... Just made me wish I had that special someone to do those things with. I know you can't find happiness in someone else until you find it in yourself first so I've been working on that. I've come a really long way. I've stopped "man hunting" which is when you use the club, dating sites, or any gathering as an opportunity to find your next mate. I had a friend that use to always want to go out some where and man hunt none stop, which it was fun when I was younger, scooping out the club to see whos eye i could catch. Then after awhile I realized instead of having fun and enjoying my friends, I was standing around watching everyone else have fun (Which is probably why I'm not a club person).  I had to mature and grow out of that phase. So I distanced myself from him and surrounded myself with more well rounded people. Ive also stopped wasting my time with guys who have alterior motives for getting to know me (I.E. get in my pants). Im actually not even in the market for dating anyone right now because i know i need to focus on myself at this moment in time. I'm getting more and more comfortable with just being single and enjoying me. I have a great group of friends I can hangout with and have fun. It's just occasionally those old feelings come back and I wonder... When will I find my true love? And as I lay in my king sized bed writing this I'm also thinking... Who does the other side of this bed belong to? As of now, it all belongs to me. I can stretch out from end to end and enjoy it until someone comes along and claims it or not. I just have to get comfortable with the possibility of the "or not".


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x7_pMUoYloA&feature=youtube_gdata


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Puy0YErgc3U&feature=youtube_gdata

Me, Myself, & I

So, I've recent started watching "United States of Tara" on showtime. (If you've never seen this show, please get into it. Great show) it's all about this woman with multiple personalities and how she and her family deal with this disorder. It got me thinking about how actually everyone has multiple personalities to a certain extent. You have to be work Anthony, friend Anthony, big brother Anthony, etc. The question is... Are we being fake by being these different people or is this just a means of survival? For me, I have different friends for different needs. When the new Harry Potter movie comes out, I know exactly who to call. Or if there was a new art exhibit opening, I have friends for that and never the twine shall meet. I wouldnt ask my work friends to come meet me and others out for drinks. I've never liked mixing my friends and I really don't know why. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being my true self or am I just adapting to my environment and putting on a face? For example, I've been told by my non-black friends that when I get on the phone with my family I have a tendency to talk different... More "black". It's not something that I do on purpose or even notice that Im doing. I just relate to each group in different ways. Is this me being fake? I still feel like myself. I still trust all my friends and feel comfortable enough around them to be myself. It just turns out that my "artsy" self for example is different from my "pop culture" self. I totally know my friends accept me for who I am. I just don't know why I can't be all of myselves around all of my friend. Or why I can't unite all of my friends in a common love for me? Can anyone relate?  

Black don't crack

Today we had a patient come into the office. White guy looked to be in his mid 30s, until i looked at his birthdate and realized im actually older than him. Im just 26 and im only 18 days older than him, but the fact still remained. I showed his drivers licence picture to a few other employees and had them guess his age. The answers ranged from 28 to 37, the only thing i could think was he must have had a ruff life. But when you think about it, blacks normally do age better than any other race. My mom is 44 and people always think were brother and sister. This got me wondering why is it we as a race naturally look younger than we are so I googled "Black dont crack" and came across alot of articles on the subject. One in particular had this to say by a Dr. Madhavi Kandula, a Dermatologist She wrote:
"Yes, there is actually science to this. African-American skin is thicker and ages differently because of this. The most important thing is the melanin; most darker-skinned individuals age very differently as sun damage does not affect those of us with darker tones. The sun doesn’t damage skin as much and also because they have natural color to begin with, they don’t feel compelled to tan." 
So, is that the reason? Darker skin means less sun damage and also less pressure from society to look "beautiful and tanned"? This also raises the question why is it common belief that darker skin color is more beautiful? Are whites trying to look more exotic seeing how they have no culture of their own? Just wondering...