FELONY

One thing that not too many people know about me is that i have a criminal record. When i was 18, me and my ex boyfriend were hanging with a group of check writers. They would always come with all kinds of cool stuff. We sorta got caught up in the beauty of it all and decided to try it ourselves. So we got some fake checks and went to Target to try it out. He worked there by the way, so i just went thru his line with the stuff. The first time it worked. I just grabbed somethings that i wanted and wrote a check for it. A couple hours later i came back and grabbed the most expensive thing there to pay out rent. A couple hours later i came to get groceries and left out in hand cuffs. The store manager said we would have gotten away wit it if we werent so greedy to try the same thing 3 times in the same day. I spent 3 days in jail. The guys in my cell were actually cool and made the experience not as bad as it could have been. The judge decided to make an example out of me and give me the max (5 years probation). I dont regret doin it, cause i learned and grew from the experience. I do wish i could take back all the money i had to pay these past 5 years. $100/month for 5 years......you do the math. I also had to complete 120hrs of community service. Out of all that, i feel like i have repaid my debt, but society sees it differently. Not to say that what i did wasnt wrong, but as a result of my mistake, im limited on the jobs i can get, the places i can live, Etc. Every application i fill out asks the same question: "Have you ever been convicted of a felony?" They all say that a "YES" answer is not an automatic disapproval but thats exactly what it is. Noone looks at the fact that it was my first and only offence. They dont care that I was a different person back then and id never do anything that ever again. They dont care that i have dreams and goals that i want to accomplish. They only see one thing "FELON" It seems like for people like me, your expected to pay for your mistake with the rest of your life. Im lucky cause i was givin a deferred ruling so when i finish my probation, which is next month BTW, I can hire a lawyer to remove the felony from my record. No telling how much that will cost. I just wanted to get that out. Maybe someone that reads this is goin thru the same thing and wont feel alone.

I have a confession.

I am torn between two people and i dont know which one to be with, Tony or Anthony. Tony represents the side of me that wants a relationship. Anthony, the side that feels like I should be happy with the life I have. Tony wants a boyfriend so bad. He trys to pretend like he is ok, but the reality is that he is lonely. He gets bored with sitting around the house cause he has noone to go to the movies with. He has noone to cuddle on the couch with and have long conversations into the night. Tony isnt into the whole club scene and he doesnt like to have casual sex. So what does he do in a gay world where most guys only want to know where their next lay is coming from? What does he do when every guy that shows interest in him is only pretending in order to get him into bed? How does he find the unconditional love that his heart longs for every single day? Anthony, on the other hand, feels sorry for Tony. Anthony believes you have to be satisfied with your life. You have to make yourself happy and not wait around for someone else to "complete you". He believes that you have to live your life to the fullest and enjoy everyday. Even if that means going out to dinner alone. Anthony has plans for his life that include starting his own business, buying a nice size house, two cars, and having four children. Now, if there is a man in the picture than great, but Anthony doesnt need a man to accomplish his dreams. Tony does cause whats the use of having a successful life and not having anyone there to share in the joy? Anthony has his eye on the end of the road and is prepared to make the journey alone. Tony looks at the same road and longs for someone willing to make the walk with him. So what do I do?

Whats the World Coming To?

Everyday, on my way home from work, i pass by this mechanic shop that post different quotes on its message board. Today it said "Optimist think its the best possible world, pessimist fear its true!" it just made me think. In that situation, is it better to be an optimist or a pessimist? On one hand, life is what you make it. If you believe that life is great than life will be great. On the other hand, it seems like the world is getting worse everyday. So who wouldnt fear that this is as good as it gets. Im not a religious person at all, so i dont think the worlds about to end in a firey death, but i do agree that its gettin worse. I remember when i was younger things werent that bad. Now, you cant turn on the news without hearin about someone gettin killed, robbed, or something. Mothers killing their children, people commiting suicide, banks being robbed. Maybe its cause kids now a days are so "cocky". I dont know why, but for some reason the younger generation thinks they are invincible. They have this misconception that they cant be whooped. Almost everyday i see some kid being disrespectful to total strangers. A group of school age kids will be on the bus and they get load, they cuss, they talk about people. They just have no manners. I hear them brag about fighting or about bein in jail. Since when did it become cool for people to be (insert adjective here). Maybe its just me. I was raised by my grandma and she didnt play that mess. I was taught to be respectful to others, especially adults. If i ever did step out of line, id get back handed. There just arent any grandmas anymore.

Support Can Be Beautiful.

I sometimes think that i take for granted the fact that my family is open-minded. When i was 16 i came out and told my grandma (She raised me) that i was gay. All she said was as long as im happy and safe. No matter what, she will always love me. I never had to go thru my family tryin to turn me straight or havin them disown me because of who i am. So whenever i meet a guy and he tells me that his family doesnt know about him and never will, i just think its sad. How depressing is it to go thru life having to pretend around your family. The one group of people in the world who should always love and accept you no matter what. I guess thats why so many homosexuals are so prone to join "Gay families/Houses". It gives them a family that they can be open with and feel loved/accepted. Me myself, ive never been into that scene. I have a family, why go around callin someone else mama and daddy? I dont know what it feels like to tell your family that your gay, and have them not want anything to do with you. Ill never have to introduce my boyfriend to my family as my roommate or friend. I think the fact that i always felt accepted is the reason why im not ashamed to say im gay. Im not a flaming queen, but im not ashamed to tell people the truth if they ask. Heterosexuals dont go aroung proclaiming their straightness, so i dont think homosexuals have to wave a rainbow flag everywhere they go. Im like a book, my sexuallity is only one chapter to who i am. Its not all that i am.

This is very interesting....

I came upon this documentary and it just really opened my mind to some subjects that i didnt even know about. Some of it i agree with and some of it i need to do more research about. I never just take something i hear and run with it. I encourage everyone to watch this and make up your own mind. I just ask that you are open minded when you watch it and open yourself the different ideas. Please let me know what you think.

www.zeitgeistmovie.com

The good old days.

As i get older, life gets more "complicated". With working cause you have to and not cause you want to, all the bills, and other responsibilities that adults have; I cant help but yearn for the good old days. Back when i was a kid and life was fun and fancy free. Back when i worked just to have extra money in my pocket. Back when the only responsibilities i had were the ones i wanted. I took a trip down to Port Aransas, TX with friends for labor day weekend. Those 3 days on the beach were just heaven. I just want to quit my job, sell my stuff and move to the beach. Just shed all these man made attachments and requirements (like mind numbing work, bills, debt, the pressure to buy the newest technology) and live the simple life. Were you just live with nature and it doesnt take too much money to survive. I know some of you are like "Fuck that shit!", but i hate looking out my window and seein buildings and concrete everywhere. Also, the people down there were so nice. I grew up in the country, so i grew up bein friendly to people. Here in the city, you look at someone and they wanna know the hell your lookin at and are ready to kick your ass. Out there, we left all our stuff sitting in our tent on the beach. Hours later, we came back and everything was still there. Here, you take your eyes off your stuff for one second and its gone. What happened to the good old days?

Double Standard

Why do people accept that guys are promiscuous? I hate to hear people use the excuse that "men will be men". I dont think having a dick gives you the right to be, for the lack of a better word, a hoe. One of my homegirls will sleep with her boyfriend ever time he wants to, even when she doesnt and it hurts. She says its cause he's a man and if he cant get it from her, he will go and get it from someone else. Side note, I hate him! I really wish she wasnt so stupid over him. Wise up and realize that she can do way better. Back to the topic, i just dont get it at all. Why do people make excuses for guy? Like our penises have minds of their own and we just cant control. A man just cant be horny and nothin about it cause we are men. We have needs that have to be fulfilled and whatever we do is ok. Ive never been into casual sex, i like to have a connection with the person. So if im not dating anyone, i dont have sex. I also dont like to "pleasure myself". If your like everyone else, your thinking "WHAT???"........LOL. Guys always think im either lying or crazy. Then they use the excuse "You have to do something, you are a man afterall." Why is it so hard to believe that a man can control his hormones. I dont have to go lookin for it just cause i have a hard-on.

New job

Awhile back i was a having a casual convo with a customer at my job. She asked me if i liked workin at Einsteins (the bagel shop from hell) and i have her the standard response. "I hate my job!" Thats when she told me that life is too short not to do what you love. At the moment, im not doin something i love. I did have an interview last week. I was really excited about it. I had a good feeling that i would get this, but i didnt. To be honest, i really havent put 100% of myself into finding a better job, but its sorta not my fault. Let me explain. Ive been allowing men to distract me from focusing on me. Ive just been talking to a couple of guys (When i say talking i mean conversation, not fucking). At one point i felt kinda overwhelmed cause i was talkin to about 6 guys at one time. Eventually I began to weed out the "bad apples" and narrowed it down to one. I liked him and wanted to see where it would go. I didnt want to rush into anything and ive never been a fan of casual sex, so all we did was make out. After about a month he told me that he only wanted to be friends cause theres another guy he likes more. Me being born under the signs of Cancer, The Boar, and having a life path number of 2 love is sorta embedded into my DNA. Anyone that knows about astrology or numerology knows that my sign lives for love. Like the song says "The greatest thing you will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." So, its like in my nature to look for love, true love. This pursuit of true unfading love is a distraction from making myself happy. If your not even happy with yourself, you cant be happy with someone else. So i have to put a conscience effort into focusing on making me happy. I mean, im happy with my life, but im not totally satisfied. I know i can do better and deserve better(not to sound conceited). I dont like my job, i dont have a car, and im not in school. Really the last 2 are dependent upon the first. I need a better job in order to be able to afford a car. With the hours that i work, its difficult to take any kind of classes. So, in order to accomplish these goals, im turning away from the guys and focusing on me. If you want something bad enough, put it out into the universe and it will be given to you.